WISHES AND COULD-HAVE-BEENS

It has been 4 months and 25 days. A short period of time. Not even half a year. Yet it feels like forever. This feelings of grief I have in me are as overwhelming as it was the moment that you passed away. I know it’s been long since you were gone and it took every ounce of courage in me to even look at your smiling picture and keep myself from crying. It took every bit of self-composure to even type this words that only meddled in my mind for so long. 

How I wish that I was there when life took you away. How I wish that I was there when you fought for your survival. I can’t forgive myself for not being beside you when you needed me most. I was here in Manila trying to pursue our dream, yet you are alone back at the hospital, facing the inevitable. It could have been a lot easier if I knew that I was the last face you saw, or the last person you talked to. But I was not there. I was not even given the chance to say good bye and to tell you how much I love you.

I love you so much that I could have given up everything I ever had. I could have given up UST, studying college, basically anything and everything. If only that meant keeping you alive. 

When you left me, I felt like giving up. Like the world is on my shoulders. Yeah, as cliche as it sounds, it was like that. When I was alone, nothing went right. Nothing feels right. I don’t feel like anyone was REALLY there for me. I was always thinking how things could have been if you were here with me. I grew up never trusting anyone but you. I have seen people walk away from my life; tell me they love me and then still leave; but that was never you. You did all things for me, even the unimaginable. You know that I will do the same. Whatever happens, it will be the two of us standing strong and facing every battle with confidence in each other. I always felt superb. Until the heavens decided that you should take your place there. 

No words can ever explain what I feel right now. Not even the slightest bit of it. What I feel right now is so bad I wouldn’t even wish it for my enemy. I know that there is no one to blame. People will eventually leave. It’s just a matter of who goes first. I don’t even have the right to ask God why this happened. All I know is that He has a bigger plan for the both of us. Whatever that is.

Christmas is almost here and I couldn’t even feel it. I miss you so much. I miss you more that I can ever say and more than I can ever express. You were the only family that I had. I don’t say that I am not appreciating Mom and my sister now, but you know, it’s just so different. 

I know that this is full of wishes and could-have-beens. I know wishing is a waste of time because you are never coming back for me again. Yet I still long for the day that I will meet you again. There is so much that you have taken away with you. 

As I type this, of course tears wont stop rushing. Although I can’t think straight again, I felt so relieved venting out a part of what I feel. My grief went with the words that I have left for the world to see. You are a star also for the world to see. Coz when you left earth, God made you another star in the sky.